Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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