i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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