Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
