he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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