i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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