Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
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