Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I fill condoms, not promises.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
