he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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