did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Farmville is her only friend.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
