Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
