Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
