I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
