mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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