I haven't been this sober since birth.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
