The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
