Define "chronic" masturbator.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
