This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
