is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
