Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
