i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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