he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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