Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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