her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize