3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
