In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
