I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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