I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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