with your own penis?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
