Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Even the bartender felt bad for me
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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