I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Everclear isn't food dammit
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
