I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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