Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
