Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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