her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
