I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
