awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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