this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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