he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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