Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
