I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
