I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
