Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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