I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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