Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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