that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Sext me about skeletons
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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