That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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