We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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