i used baking grease as lip gloss
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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