the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
