So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
