Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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