I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
