if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
