someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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