my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
