she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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