Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
