i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
